Well, it's over. The hype called "Harry Potter" that overtook the world is finally over. But did the final chapter please the fans? Eleven Million copies were sold in the first 24 hours, and we all know what that means. Eleven million bloggers quickly log on to post their review. Eleven MILLION. Can you comprehend that number? Eleven MILLION. I think I just heard Google explode. But, we all also know that none of their opinions matter. There is only one person whose review really matters. MINE. So, suck it up, folks, while I review the book phenomenon of the century: HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS! Please be aware that the following review does everything it can to spoil the fun for readers.
The first chapter was definitely the beginning of the end of the Harry Potter series. Through seven "years" , we see relationships grow; none so much, however, as the one explored in the first few pages: Dudley and Harry. It's a great sense of satisfaction to finally see the brute Dudley and the meek Harry kiss and make up. Quite literally. Shippers were obviously stunned as readers were subject to the steamiest make-out scene since Jack and Sawyer went at it in the novelization of LOST. Daniel Radcliffe fangirls are outraged at what the British author is forcing the young actor to do; however, Mr. Radcliffe has come out saying he is especially open minded about the scene, especially after experimenting with new James Bond star, Daniel Craig. In fact, "I may never go back to girls again," said Radcliffe to reporters.
But love is fleeting, and soon the fairy tale ended. In an attempt to flee the vile Death Eaters, members of the Order disguised themselves as Harry and flew off into the night. Despite their efforts, however, the Death Eaters weren't easily fooled. Fleur and Hermione were the first fake "Harry Potters" spotted, mainly because they were having trouble moving around with their new "junk". Ron was later caught for the exact same reason. Meanwhile, the real Harry Potter rode beside a giant bag of whale blubber. Oh, and Hagrid was their, too. Voldemort's army soon overtook them, and then, the action started. Flips and turns! Twists and cracks! Speed and velocity! The action reached its climax when Hedwig the owl's cage flew into the night sky and burst into a brilliant array of fireworks consisting of flaming owl bones and feathers.
Further in the distance, Harry saw another set of fireworks. His heart sank. A valued order member was most likely dead, which was strongly hinted by fact that Mad Eye's head and his body were moving in opposite directions, and the flying enchanted eyeball was falling somewhere near the Ministry of Magic.
Hagrid managed to steer the bike safely to their destination, and they both Apparated to the Burrow. Through his intense despair at losing Mad-Eye, Hedwig, and the only part of George that wasn't retarded, Harry turned his wand on himself and "Avada Kedavra'd" Unfortunately, however, Harry had found several 1ups during his trip with Hagrid. He got back and and started pondering again.
The next major event in Rowling's story was the wedding. But, because no one gives two rat's asses about Bill and Fleur, we'll skip to the interesting part-- Albus Dumbledore's will. Even for me, this was a strange part of the book-- It all started with the appearance of the Minister of Magic with not only the will, but with a Nigerian guy who had a bad grasp of English grammar. The minister then proceeded to inform Harry, Ron, and Hermione of their large inheritance, which can only be withdrawn after they each pay a simple £4,000 customs fee. After selling half of the Weasley spawns into slavery, they managed to pay the dues-- to which the Minister and the Nigerians disappeared and were never seen again.
Then, lots of stuff happened, which I will conveniently skip. Just like the movies!
Harry's trio was now on the run, and for a long time, they pondered. Where were the Horcruxes? Could they really defeat Voldemort? And while they pondered, they were forced to hid in the most unfavorable conditions-- they scavenged for food and slept in tents all while under the protection of Hermione's charms. They even disguised themselves as Muggles, which is much harder than the author made it sound. In interviews post-release, Ms. Rowling described the difficulties of living in another's body.
"I couldn't add it in the book, for, you know, length problems. But living issues, especially with Hermione and Harry, were quite difficult under the polyjuice potion. I had a few passages describing the 'BM' problem, if you know what I mean. Trying to crap in a bush with someone else's hairy ass is no walk in the park. Thank God this book is fiction. It probably was too intense for youngsters, which is the real reason why I cut it out."
Telling words indeed from Ms. Rowling. Beyond that, however, Harry, Ron, and Hermione searched for months and months and months for clues regarding the Horcruxes. Not surprisingly, though, that the search took so long, considering they all are tea-drinking, biscuit-eating British bastards. If the AMERICANS were in charge, Voldemort would sink faster than the Titanic. Which, I should mention, was another brilliant idea by a tea-drinking, biscuit-eating British bastard. And don't mention to me people like "Charlotte Bronte" in an attempt to save reputation. She was a tea-drinking, biscuit-eating British BITCH.
So, after the fourteenth grand escape, this time from Malfoy Manor, Dobby died. Terribly. But because he was the "Jar Jar" of the Harry Potter series, whatever he got was too good for him. I assume we can all agree with that. Plus, he was buried at Bill and Fleur's house, which brought total number of "people living at Shell Cottage that we don't give a rat's ass about" to three.
I'm sure that everything else up to the Hogwarts battle was really boring, which is why I didn't read it. So, off to the Hogwarts battle!
BOOM! EXPLOSION! BANG! A WALL FALLS DOWN! AHH! FRED, NO! LET THE DEFORMED RETARDED TWIN DIE, NOT YOU!
Big epic battles, and heartbreaking deaths bring the climax of the entire series! None was so dramatic as the life and death of the series' bad boy, Severus Snape. Since words can't describe the horror, I've drawn a picture of the scene, which can be seen at the end of the article.
Oh, and I've made a few changes. It's cooler this way. Snake bite equals lame, so I gave Snape the death he deserves. You see, in the struggle against Nagini, Snape lands the wrong way on his knee, which snaps it in half. Nagini then uses his heat vision to burn off both of Snape's arms. And Death Eater robes make Snape look like a fuckin' tool, so he was fitted with a rad outfit from Abercrombie and Fitch. And just to give it that extra bit of awesomeness, Jack Skellington makes an appearance in the corner. AWESOME.
So, Harry finds out he has to die for our sins. And, with his miraculous resurrection, he ascends to heaven, and is seated at the right hand of the Father. Everyone wins out in the end. YEAH! To finish the book, Ms. Rowling provides us with an epilogue which takes place nineteen years later. It was a very boring epilogue, though, considering that the world exploded four years before the epilogue.
